


We Found Each Other In The Dark

by sluttysteve



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky and Steve are cuties, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I promise everything is okay in the end, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Reminiscing, Sorry but there is crying in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 01:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1964115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sluttysteve/pseuds/sluttysteve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve comes home to find Bucky lying in his living room, half-dead. He fixes him up and sends him to bed, but wakes up in the middle of the night to find Bucky in his room, going through an old photo album. Steve soon learns that he isn't the only one who carries around his memories with him everywhere he goes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Found Each Other In The Dark

Steve comes home one night to find Bucky sprawled out on his living room carpet, filthy, starving, and exhausted.

"Bucky?"

"...Steve...", comes the weak reply.

Steve instantly goes to him and lifts him up and takes him to the bath. He washes Bucky and massages his hair and gets all the mud and blood and knots out. All the while Bucky just stares at him with dead eyes.

He gets him out and dries him off and puts him in some clean clothes, then carries him to the couch and lays him down. He gets him some soup because Steve has a feeling that Bucky wouldn't be able to keep down any solids just yet.

He wraps Bucky up in a thick duvet when he starts shivering and Bucky instantly falls into a deep sleep.

Steve sits next to him on the floor all night and watches him.

 

He wakes up at around 3:45 in the morning with the duvet covering him and Bucky nowhere to be found. He calls out Bucky's name but gets no reply. Slowly, he gets up and goes to search for his friend and finds him in Steve's room looking through an old photo album that Steve keeps on his nightstand. Inside are photos of him and Bucky before and during the war. There are photos of their friends, of the Howling Commando, of Peggy. Bucky is silently and slowly flipping through the pictures, taking all of them in and soaking up the memories that didn't feel like his anymore.

He speaks his first words since uttering Steve's name the night before.

"I think I remember this night. This is when I first met Peggy. She said she wanted to dance and I asked her what we were waiting for and she said 'The right partner.'"

Bucky finally looks up at Steve with a mixture of curiosity and sorrow in his tired blue eyes.

"What did she mean by that, Steve?"

"I don't know, Buck. I never got the chance to ask her."

Bucky looks back down and pulls the photograph out of its sleeve. He lifts it up to the light and runs his finger over his own face. Over Peggy's smiling face. Over Steve's shy stance.

"I'm so sorry, Steve."

"For what? You have nothing to be sorry for."

Bucky sighs heavily and with more care than even Steve could’ve managed, he slides the photo back in its place, shuts the book, and places it back on Steve's nightstand.

He looks Steve dead in the eye and states clearly, "I have everything to be sorry for. Please sit down. I have some stuff that I need to get out."

He shifts on the bed so that he's sitting cross-legged in the middle. Steve sits in front of him and crosses his legs, too.

It takes Bucky a while to sift through his thoughts and find the right thing to say first. When he finally does speak, Steve lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding.

"Do you remember that time that I took you out to see that film that had just come out? I can't remember what film it was but you wanted to see it more than anything in the world. So I worked a couple extra shifts to save up enough money to take you?"

"Oh yeah! That movie ended up being absolutely terrible." Steve chuckles and Bucky's mouth forms into a smile that looks more like a grimace than anything.

"Yeah? Well I didn't remember that part. I don't remember a lot of things, Steve. I don't remember how we met, I don't remember how we ended up living together, I don't remember your parents, I don't even remember my own parents. I certainly don't remember anything from during the war except a very select few things, most of them bad. I remember a lot of how I felt, though. I remember feeling worried all the time about if you were gonna make it through the night or not. Or who you were gonna get in a fight with next or where I would find you, bloody and bruised, but still fighting. I remember feeling positively ecstatic when you got into art school. I remember feeling slightly disappointed when you decided not to go. My point to all of this, Steve, is that my memories come and go. Sometimes I remember almost everything, and other times I remember close to nothing. Sometimes I forget who I am. Sometimes I forget that I'm a person, a real living person, and not some killing machine. But I never forget who you are. I never forget your blue eyes and your gold hair and your stupid habit of getting into fights that you can't handle. Even when they wiped me clean, I always remembered you, at least a little bit. Whether it be how you smell, or maybe the way you say certain words, or how you like your eggs cooked. Sunny side up, by the way."

Bucky looks down at his hands with a sad smile and takes a deep breath before continuing.

"I always remembered something. I remember when I was sent out on my first mission. They thought they had wiped me completely but I don't think they did because the first place I remember going was back to our old apartment. It was mostly destroyed and abandoned, but there were some things in there that were salvageable. I remember grabbing everything I could carry in my bag and running off. I still have everything I took. Whenever I had to go back to Hydra I always hid everything in a safe spot that I knew I would remember. I kept all of it so that I would remember you and our life together and how I was before. It helped me to stay a little bit more human. I still have everything. Would you like to see?"

Bucky tentatively looks up at Steve through his eyelashes, half-expecting Steve to say no. What he finds is Steve looking misty-eyed and slowly nodding his head, seemingly at a loss for words.

Bucky slowly gets off the bed and walks out into the living room where his black duffle bag sits on the floor. He hefts it up over his shoulder and trudges back into Steve's room and places it on the bed between the two of them.

Both of them just sit and stare at it for a couple moments, almost scared to open it, in fear of the painful and distant memories that are zipped up inside.

Finally, Steve lifts shaking hands up to the zipper and catches Bucky’s eye.

“May I?”, Steve whispers.

Bucky sighs and nods his head yes.

Steve slowly unzips the bag and pulls it open. Inside is a beat-up old vintage radio, a sketchbook that looks like it’s been dunked in water on multiple occasions, a t-shirt that looks like it would fit a 7-year-old, some wooden cooking utensils, an old photograph of Bucky with his sisters, some broken sketching pencils, an old sock, a porcelain cat that Steve is completely shocked hasn’t been damaged in any way, and last but not least, an old rolled-up poster advertising Howard Stark’s amazing inventions and his expo shows. Steve can’t help but start to cry softly. All of these memories were bombarding him all at once and it was overwhelming. He felt a cold metal hand very gently rest on his shoulder where it met his neck. He looked up at the man in front of him, his best friend, his guy, and he can’t help but reach over and pull him into a bone-crushing hug. Bucky instantly tenses but doesn’t pull away. Steve clings to him until he feels arms wrap around his waist and squeeze him back just as hard. He feels Bucky’s face buried in his neck and he can tell that Bucky is sniffling and crying just as hard as Steve is.

They stay like that for some time, just holding each other and embracing the fact that they were finally together again.

Eventually, Bucky pulls away and wipes at his face. Steve gets up to go get some tissues.

He comes back and hands the tissues over to Bucky who takes them with a small “thank you” and blows his nose. 

“Wow, Bucky, I can’t believe you were able to save all of this stuff. Wanna tell me the story behind all of it? If you remember, that is. No pressure.” 

Bucky clears his throat and sits up straighter.

“Yeah, Steve, sure. I remember most of it.”

Steve picked up the old radio and examines it.

“Wow, this thing is a dinosaur. I wonder if it still works at all?” Steve looks up at Bucky, expecting an answer.

“Yeah, actually, it does, surprisingly enough. I used to listen to it when I went on my missions. It helped me to remember where I was and when I was. It helped keep me sane.”

Steve turns one of the dials then gently sets it on the nightstand. He picks up the t-shirt that he assumes was one of his old ones from when he was so little that he was basically nonexistent.

“I can’t actually believe that I was this tiny. It amazes me that I survived let alone became what I am today.” 

Steve hears Bucky laugh for the first time since Steve saw him the night before he fell off the train. Steve looks up at him, not wanting to miss what his face looks like when it’s lit up with laughter. 

Bucky instantly looks like his old self again. His eyes crinkle at the corners and sparkle like spring water in the sun. His slightly crooked teeth make an appearance and Steve never wants them to go away again. He laughs so hard that his little double chin that he could never get rid of no matter how hard he ever tried comes out, too. He looks like a little kid again, like the Bucky that had never been touched by war and violence and death. He looked happy for the first time in what felt like forever.

Steve marveled at him until Bucky waved a hand in front of Steve’s face. 

“Steve? Quit starin’ at me. You’re making me feel weird.”, Bucky mumbled.

Steve looked back down at the shirt in his hands but couldn’t stop smiling. 

“Sorry, Buck. So is this and the sock the only two pieces of clothing you could find?”

“Yep. Everything else was probably taken by people who needed it to stay warm during winter.”

“Well I’m glad it could help somebody.”

“That shirt is essentially what kept me tethered to reality. To you. It smelled like you. It always smelled like you. No matter how dirty it got or how many time I tried to wash it. No matter what it had been through, it  always smelled like you. Every time they wiped me I would go back to the spot and look through this duffel and rediscover little pieces of my past and that shirt always made me think of gold hair and bloody noses and chattering teeth. It always put your name in my head. ‘Steve’. Sometimes I remembered who you were, other times, most times, the name was just a name. But I always knew, I always just  felt deep in my gut that the name was important somehow. That I needed to put a face to the name. I always had a feeling that this Steve person would be the key to me finally escaping Hydra and remembering everything. So I held on to the memories of you that I had left. The t-shirt. The sock. The sketchbook. All of it brought me closer and closer to you. To remembering you and the life that we had built together. And it finally did. I finally found you again and I’m finally starting to remember. The only bad part is that I’m also starting to remember everything that I did and all of the people that I killed while I was with Hydra. I did so many terrible things, Steve. So many horrifying, unforgivable things. If only you knew. You wouldn’t want me anywhere near you. You’d probably want me six feet under, actually. I have so many things to own up to and so many people to answer to and I’m scared, Steve. I’m so, so scared. For the first time in about 60 years, I am scared of what’s going to happen.”

Bucky looks utterly shaken. He’s staring off into space, lost in his own thoughts. Steve cautiously rests his hands on either side of Bucky’s face and guides his eyes towards Steve.

“Bucky, I can promise you right now, I can swear on the good grace of the Lord, that there is nothing you could do that would ever make me want you dead. What you did while you were with Hydra, that wasn’t you. That was the Winter Soldier. That was Hydra’s brainwashed assassin. That was a man who knew nothing but killing because he was trained that way and recalibrated that way. You are not the Winter Soldier. You are James Buchanan Barnes, my best friend, my best guy. And I will never let anything bad happen to you ever again. I swear on my mother’s grave, I will give my dying breath to make sure that you stay safe for the rest of your life. You are no longer under Hydra’s control. You are your own person again. You have full control over yourself and your destiny. You choose who you want to be and no one else. You have a chance to be you again. And I’m always gonna be here to help you figure out who that is. Always. Because I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, right pal?”

Bucky chuckles humorlessly and wipes at his nose.

“You know, when you said that to me in the helicarrier, that was when I knew exactly who you were. I knew that you were my best friend. I knew you were the most important thing to me in my old life. But my instinct to finish my mission was too strong. I let you fall. I always promised that I would never let you fall, but I did.”

Bucky pauses so he can get his breathing under control.

“What made you jump in and save me, Bucky?”

He takes so long to answer that Steve starts to wonder if Bucky even heard him. Finally, Bucky speaks up.

“Honestly, it was a vision. A newly-remembered memory. It was of us in our little shitty Brooklyn apartment, sitting on our hand-me-down loveseat on a scorching-hot summer day. We were both sweating our asses off but you were still laying your head on my shoulder and my arm was still around you. We were always so close to each other but we were never close enough. Always seeking to get closer. I don’t even think we would’ve been close enough if our bodies had molded together into one.

 

“We were just sitting there in silence, enjoying each other’s company, when you asked me a question. You asked me, ‘Hey, Buck? Do you think we’ll be best friends for the rest of our lives?’ and I looked down at you and without hesitating I said, ‘Of course we will, Steve. You’re my best guy. Always got my back and I always got yours. Together ‘til the end, yeah?’ and you smiled that big grin that always made me feel like a superhero and you said ‘Til the end of the line?’ and I said, ‘Til the end of the line, pal.’

 

Then I snapped out of it and realized that if I didn’t dive in to save you, I would have no one left in the world. You were all I had. All I  have . I couldn’t lose you. Even if I didn’t remember you completely. So I jumped in and I was so worried that you weren’t gonna make it. I almost stayed. I almost resuscitated you. But I think that would’ve went wrong somehow, so I just trusted my instinct that told me that you would live. I don’t know what it was, maybe a memory that I didn’t remember yet, but I just knew that you would live. I just knew that you would fight because I knew that you had always been a fighter. So I left you there and I hoped and I prayed to any God that would listen that someone would find you and that you would be okay. Eventually I got tired of waiting. I couldn’t wait any longer to know if you had survived. So I started tracking you down and 3 weeks later you found me lying on your living room floor half-dead. The rest is history.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say so he just quietly puts the shirt back in the duffel bag, zips it up, puts it on the floor next to the bed, and gently nudges Bucky so he’s lying down. Bucky rolls over on his side to face Steve. Steve twines their fingers together, metal against flesh. Bucky closes his eyes and lets himself sink into the feeling of having Steve lie next to him again. For the first time in over 70 years, he finally feels like everything is gonna be okay.

“We can go through the rest of it in the morning over breakfast. I think that’s enough for tonight.”

“Agreed.”

They both start to drift in and out of sleep, when Bucky hears Steve whisper, “I love you, Bucky.”

It takes Bucky a while to process that. How could Steve love him? He was a monster. A killing machine. But he somehow trusted Steve and believed that Steve would never lie to him. Finally, he whispered back, “I love you, too, Steve.”

“Til the end of the line?”

Steve could hear Bucky’s smile when he replied, “Til the end of the line, pal.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I really hoped everybody liked this story! I wrote it on a whim kinda. There are definitely some mistakes but don't burn me at the stake please. Comments and reviews are always welcome! Thanks for reading!


End file.
